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moosehead

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Bill calls into work to tell his boss he will be out sick today. He tells him he has a wheezing cough, sore throat, and an upset stomach.

His boss says OK, but to maybe try something first that always works for him. He goes to his wife and asks her for sex. That always seems to make him feel better.

So Bill gives it a try, and sure enough two hours later calls his boss to tell him his idea worked wonders and he’ll be at work shortly.

Before he hangs up, Bill says, “BTW boss, you got a really nice house!”
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Why are Political opinions just like d!cks?

Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.
 
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
 
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Stewart Rhodes is serving a long time in prison for seditious conspiracy, among other things. After a year or so, he gains a cellmate: Donald.

After taking some time to size Donald up and decide that he can trust him, Stewart tells Donald about his plan to escape.

"You see," Stewart says, "for the past few years, I've been training my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Donald is skeptical since he doesn't trust science much, but intrigued.

Stewie continues: "Ever since, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So the Don asks, "Well, what the hell does that have to do with me? How can I help?"

Stewart says, "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers together."

Don, a bit disgusted, says, "You have freaking got to be kidding me!?"

Stewart replies: "I shit you knot."
 

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Santa comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve to find a well endowed brunette dressed in lingerie, waiting for him.

“Santa” she purrs, “Can you stay for a while?”

Santa says, “Ho, ho ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to deliver toys to children, you know!”

She comes close, starts playing with his beard, whispers in his ear, “Santa, don’t you have a gift you would like to give me?”

Santa says, “Ho, ho, ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to spread Christmas cheer, you know!”

The brunette takes off her bra straps, giving Santa a view of her breasts and says, “Santa, are you sure there’s no gift you’d like to leave?”

Santa says, “Hey hey hey, might as well stay. I can’t get up the chimney this way!
 
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Even though you guys lack a sense of humor and new material, I’m feeling generous and it’s about giving not receiving.

Sooo, Imma gonna send you all these very special, highly limited edition pieces.

Merry Christmas all!

Rivian R1T R1S Joke Thread // Add as you like 830AF9A3-A8D7-4B59-AEFB-2A4866844BD8
Rivian R1T R1S Joke Thread // Add as you like 8484079C-399E-4AC8-803B-26679B397C0B
Rivian R1T R1S Joke Thread // Add as you like 0188DEE5-EF04-47E2-9F73-327B93C7823C
Rivian R1T R1S Joke Thread // Add as you like 07FA382D-4A8E-4ECB-99C3-C4A5BB188B4D
 
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Reportedly, GOP Congressman George Santos did compete as a drag queen in Brazil some 15 years ago.

He won title of Miss Representation.
 
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Rivian R1T R1S Joke Thread // Add as you like A48480F6-46A7-4B90-AF90-9D0D9E6C348C
 

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Rivian R1T R1S Joke Thread // Add as you like 718BA981-0377-462A-9781-9B64D509D915


 
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Who took more balls to the chin in their pro careers?

A. Babe Ruth
B. Mickey Mantle
C. Hank Aaron
D. Lauren Boebert
 

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Ugh this thing went to shit with the bad drumpf jokes.

Let's bring it back to something actually funny. How about

An old lady is out for a walk and she comes across a guy who lives down the street out on his porch laying in his hammock. He's sipping ice cold lemonade while his girlfriend is mowing his lawn. She's using a push mower and it must be 90 degrees out side.

The old lady is visibly disgusted by this man being lazy. She turns to yell at the man and says " Where do you get off letting your girlfriend mow your lawn while you sit there. You should be hung".

The guy sits up in his hammock and says "I am, how do you think I get her to mow my lawn?"
 

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USB-C playback is unnecessary because of the suite of streaming apps offered by Rivian.
 
 




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