Joke Thread // Add as you like

[moosehead]

So this older couple is driving down from NYC to Florida for the winter. She is driving but can’t hear much, he is copilot.

She gets pulled over at the Florida Georgia line while doing 90 MPH.

Trooper walks up and asks for her license and registration. Being nearly deaf, she says “What Sonny?”

Her husband, being helpful, nearly yells at her “HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE!”

Cop asks her “Do you know how fast your were driving?” Still clueless, she says “What, Eh?”

The husband shouts “HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!”

The LEO, growing tired of this routine, looks at her license, sees she is from New York, and mutters under his breath “I had the worst piece of azz of my life in New York.”

The wife again says “What, huh?”

Her husband yells “HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!”

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[Rivian_Hugh_III]

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

"Arrrr?"

(With pirate accent) You’d think so but his true love is the C!!!

 

[moosehead]

What’s the difference between the Trump family and the mafia?

The mafia is organized.

 

[domoplaytime]

A friend of mine has early symptoms of Alzheimer's disease. She has quirky hobbies like geocaching, which is great. Soon she'll be able to enjoy that hobby without ever leaving the house!

 

[moosehead]

Why couldn't baby Jesus be born in Georgia?

Cause they couldn't find 3 wise men, nor a virgin that hadn't been screwed by Herschel Walker.

 

[cohall]

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a parrot on his shoulder, a wooden leg, and a ship's steering wheel sewn to the front of his pants.

Bartender asks "What's with the bird?" and the pirate responds "Arrrg...This bird is my only true friend at sea"

"OK, so what happened to your leg?" and the pirate says ""Arrg...I lost this leg in my first battle on the ocean, and it's a permanent reminder of my victory"

"I see," says the bartender. "But why do you have that steering wheel on the front of your pants?"

"Arrgh...It's driving me nuts!"

 

[moosehead]

An Italian, A Greek guy, and an attorney met a hooker that would do anything for $100 so long as you asked in 3 words.

So the Italian, quickly says "In the mouth", and the professional knocks it out.

Amazed, the Greek guy steps forth and says "In the butt", and again, she takes care of it.

The attorney says, so lemme get this straight. Anything I want for $100 bucks, just have to ask you in three words? Those are the terms of our agreement, correct? She nods yes.

So the attorney smiles and says, "Paint My House".

 

[moosehead]

A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her. So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, “I have a question I need to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

The nun replies, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, “Well it’s like this; I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.”

The nun replies, “Ok well, let’s see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, yes! I am single and I’m Catholic too!”

The nun then says, “Ok then, pull into the next alley.”

The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.

The nun sees this and asks him, “My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?”

The cab driver says, “You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I’m married and I’m also Jewish.”

The nun laughs and says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

 

[domoplaytime]

The cab driver says, “You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I’m married and I’m also Jewish.”

Reminds me of another good one:

An old man walks into a Catholic church and heads straight for the confession booth. He admits to the priest that he has sinned by having premarital sex with a woman in her 20s. The priest asks when he had his last confession. The old man replies, "never, I'm Jewish." The priest asks, "then why are you telling me this?" The old man replies, "are you kidding, I'm telling everyone!"

 

[moosehead]

Putin is out to dinner with his pal, Trump. The waiter asks Putin what he would like for dinner.

Vlad says: "I'll have the chicken."

The waiter asks Putin: "What will you have for your vegetable?"

Putin replies: "He will have the hamberder."

 

[MoreTrout]

What do Olympic sprinters eat for breakfast?

Nothing. They fast.

 

[moosehead]

Why is Frosty the Snowman always smiling?




Cause the snowblower is coming by.

 

[domoplaytime]

I tried entering a pun competition once. They let you submit ten entries, and I hoped at least one of mine would win. But no pun in ten did.

 

[moosehead]

Elon Musk, Tom Brady, RJ Scaringe, and the Dalai Lama are in a plane when suddenly they enter some extremely rough turbulence.

The pilot enters the main cabin and says “Bad news, the plane is damaged too bad to fix, so we have to jump. Worse, we only have 4 parachutes."

“I’m the pilot, so I get a parachute automatically!” says the pilot, and before anyone can argue, he grabs a parachute pack and jumps out of the plane.

“I’m the GOAT, and the world needs great athletes, so I should live too!” brags Brady, and he grabs the second parachute pack and jumps out of the plane.

“I’m the worlds smartest man, and I need to keep moving technology forward, so I need to live too!” declares Elon Musk. He grabs a pack and jumps out of the plane.

This leaves RJ Scaringe and the Dalai Lama. Before RJ can say anything, the Dalai Lama says, “Don’t worry. I have lived a long life compared to you. I will go down with the plane.”

“You don’t have to”, says RJ. “The worlds smartest man just jumped out of a plane with my backpack.”

 

[moosehead]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a kidney bean?






Trump has never paid to have a kidney bean on his face.

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